I am the girl that a lot of insecure women hate. The woman at work in the high heels and borderline inappropriate outfit. The one that‘s always in someone else’s cube or has someone in hers (oftentimes male ). I’m the one with the loud voice and the even louder laugh. The ridiculous hair and full face of make-up. Hold on to your man, because she doesn’t have one (and I hear she’s on the prowl). I’m that girl. Do you know me?
Well, if you think you do, you don’t.
Here’s the actual truth. I’m not the “traditional” lady. I sin. I cuss and I’ve been known to enjoy a clove cigarette or two. I’m aggressive and assertive and don’t believe in backing down for the sake of maintaining some archaic notion of femininity. I fight, physically and verbally, as well as eat with my hands (not just fingers, hands). I talk about sex, in mixed company, at the most inappropriate times, and I have no qualms about telling a man if I feel like his game won’t or can’t match up. I flirt and never feign modesty. I jokingly boast about my intelligence, skills and beauty and am undeniably self-centered (who else is my world supposed to evolve around, some man?). I am not a lady. But, I am a woman. A strong, assertive, beautiful, intelligent and self-assured, Black woman. And darn proud!
Ok. Ok… This is the truth. But, it’s not all I am. I am also extremely sensitive and hate being judged, a daddy’s girl and a push-over when it comes to my kids (Oh, I’m also a youth worker). I go to bat for my friends and believe in telling the truth, even if It gets me in trouble. I cry at least twice a day over, things that don’t even involve or affect me and I value my family more than they will ever know. Oh, and I love kittens. :)
I’ve never had a hard time making friends, its just been a little difficult maintaining true friendship with other women. When you are as “too much” as I am “too much,” it can be difficult for people to tolerate or even enjoy your overcast. I find this to be particularly true when it comes to other women, especially other, single, attractive women. If they only knew that I’ve come along way from being some “pretty girl’s," overweight, sidekick who was the last chosen to dance. I used to be afraid of not only others; but my own voice. Bet they'd never guess that I was raised in a household of men and a tomboy until the age of 15. Or that I had to fight daily with my peers at school because of my religious beliefs. Would anyone guess that I hated my hair and body until the age of 21. If they knew that, would I still be hated or judged?
Don’t get me wrong, yes, I am a HAM, and yes, I do enjoy putting on an, occasional, one-woman, show. But, by no means do I require ALL of the attention, ALL of the time. I LOVE being in the presence and hanging with extraverted, hilarious, over the top, eccentric,” too much” women. One, I receive a sigh of relief, “Thank you GOD, I’m not alone!” Two, I have a partner or partners in crime to play off and put on even bigger, better performances. And three, It takes the pressure off of me to always well, be on. Sometimes, in fact oftentimes, I enjoy sitting back and being the spectator.
Most of you are probably just like me. You just don’t want to be judged for it. So, you stay in the safe zone. Place your hands in your lap and feign modesty. Well, on behalf of all of the “Too Much” girls, I say, welcome to the world. Throw on your favorite, “hot girl gear,” throw away those safe outfits, put on some make-up (if you like) and speak up! The world is ready for your debut.
Me
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My Sister. My Friend. My Enemy?
The game, Pursuit.
The target, a Black Man.
The goal, Marriage (preferably before 35).
The opponent, Any other living, breathing, half attractive woman.
The rules, NONE.
Sound familiar? This is game played by thousands of Black women in this country and around the world every day. Beautiful, intelligent and successful woman all vying for what they deem to be the missing piece in the puzzle of total, and complete happiness. We can have it all, if we work, plot and scheme enough. The house, the car, the vacation spot in Martha’s Vineyard, and of course the man… the Black Man.
I have always been very comfortable communicating, befriending and, if so inclined, pursuing men. I have plenty of male friends, some ex-loves and lovers, others just “cool dudes” that I’ve gravitated to over the years. Never being much of a “girls’ girl,” but, very much a “girlie girl,” the friendships and the witty banter I often exchange with the men in my circles are frequently, misunderstood and misinterpreted as flirtation. Which has made me a target for female scrutiny and harsh judgement.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those “I only hang with guys, girls are too petty” women. In fact, I have a solid group of female friends, all of which are beautiful, intelligent, ambitious women of many different hues, character and type. I love my girlfriends. They are essential part of my life, and in my opinion the life of any woman. I just so happen to also have a close blend of male friends, as well.
What is so disappointing, yet not surprising to me, is the lack of regard women have for each other when it comes to the pursuit of men. Time and time again, I have witnessed women undercut and use each other to get to men. And a few times, I have been the victim of this.
I’ve had women cozy up to me to meet my male friends or even pretend to be my friend just to see how close I am to “their” man. Like, really? If another woman is a potential threat, then he isn’t yours anyway and may not even be that into you.
I love my sisters; but, we have got get it together. There is plenty of room in the universe for each and every one of us to be hot (beautiful, sexy, intelligent and desirable). So, stop undercutting and dissin’ your sisters just because you believe that she may pose a threat to you meeting the man of your dreams. If he is meant for you, you will be with him.
What really pisses me off (on top of the jealously, spitefulness and obvious hating we do on each other) is that men know this about us. And they PLAY ON IT!! If a man can start a bidding war for his affections, he has not only mastered the game, because not only has the amount of effort he has to exert gone down to zero; but, he has the chance of walking away with the MVP trophy, both women. And us women we play right into it. Battling each other so hard we have no clue that what we are fighting for isn’t even worth a verbal slap, let alone a hair pull.
Could you imagine what would happen if we stopped letting them win? Yes, letting them win. That’s what happens every time we choose them over each other or allow them to divide us. One, we will begin to forge stronger interpersonal relationships. Two, men will have no choice but to step up their game and be forced to come correct and treat all of us with the respect we deserve. And three, this will increase the pool of eligible, “good” men. So, it starts with us ladies. Love yourself, of course; but, remember, love your sister. She is not your enemy. She is your ally.
The target, a Black Man.
The goal, Marriage (preferably before 35).
The opponent, Any other living, breathing, half attractive woman.
The rules, NONE.
Sound familiar? This is game played by thousands of Black women in this country and around the world every day. Beautiful, intelligent and successful woman all vying for what they deem to be the missing piece in the puzzle of total, and complete happiness. We can have it all, if we work, plot and scheme enough. The house, the car, the vacation spot in Martha’s Vineyard, and of course the man… the Black Man.
I have always been very comfortable communicating, befriending and, if so inclined, pursuing men. I have plenty of male friends, some ex-loves and lovers, others just “cool dudes” that I’ve gravitated to over the years. Never being much of a “girls’ girl,” but, very much a “girlie girl,” the friendships and the witty banter I often exchange with the men in my circles are frequently, misunderstood and misinterpreted as flirtation. Which has made me a target for female scrutiny and harsh judgement.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those “I only hang with guys, girls are too petty” women. In fact, I have a solid group of female friends, all of which are beautiful, intelligent, ambitious women of many different hues, character and type. I love my girlfriends. They are essential part of my life, and in my opinion the life of any woman. I just so happen to also have a close blend of male friends, as well.
What is so disappointing, yet not surprising to me, is the lack of regard women have for each other when it comes to the pursuit of men. Time and time again, I have witnessed women undercut and use each other to get to men. And a few times, I have been the victim of this.
I’ve had women cozy up to me to meet my male friends or even pretend to be my friend just to see how close I am to “their” man. Like, really? If another woman is a potential threat, then he isn’t yours anyway and may not even be that into you.
I love my sisters; but, we have got get it together. There is plenty of room in the universe for each and every one of us to be hot (beautiful, sexy, intelligent and desirable). So, stop undercutting and dissin’ your sisters just because you believe that she may pose a threat to you meeting the man of your dreams. If he is meant for you, you will be with him.
What really pisses me off (on top of the jealously, spitefulness and obvious hating we do on each other) is that men know this about us. And they PLAY ON IT!! If a man can start a bidding war for his affections, he has not only mastered the game, because not only has the amount of effort he has to exert gone down to zero; but, he has the chance of walking away with the MVP trophy, both women. And us women we play right into it. Battling each other so hard we have no clue that what we are fighting for isn’t even worth a verbal slap, let alone a hair pull.
Could you imagine what would happen if we stopped letting them win? Yes, letting them win. That’s what happens every time we choose them over each other or allow them to divide us. One, we will begin to forge stronger interpersonal relationships. Two, men will have no choice but to step up their game and be forced to come correct and treat all of us with the respect we deserve. And three, this will increase the pool of eligible, “good” men. So, it starts with us ladies. Love yourself, of course; but, remember, love your sister. She is not your enemy. She is your ally.
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